5 Steps for Surviving Valentine's Day
Valentine’s Day ... it’s coming. And with my help…so will you!
Hey my gooey little gumdrops it’s me, Ricktoria Beckham, with a quick little 5-step guide to surviving VD. That’s Valentine’s Day, not venereal disease. But... in the event you ARE dealing with venereal disease, trust me... it gets better. Just take the whole Z-pack, cover yourself in the cream from head-to-toe and put everything you own in trash bags for 30 days. It happens to everybody.... just some of us more than others
Remind yourself that modern Valentine’s Day is kind of stupid. Nobody fully knows why we celebrate it or who Saint Valentine was. Whoever he is, he sounds like a whore. Valentine. What kind of a name is Valentine, anyway? It sounds like a serial killer or a man who can snap his fingers and make your panties disappear and I can’t be trusted around anyone with THAT much game. I’ve go no self-control and the credit card bill to prove it.
#SelfCare. You know I’m all about it. Do a face mask. Do a body scrub. Ladies, cream bleach your little mustache. Wash your hair... it’s been six days. Trim your pubes. I’m all for everybody living freely but a tidy house is an inviting house and we want people to visit.
Fuck your diet. Keto Shmeto. Sometimes you need a hamburger to try and forget about that McDouble-date you bombed. Maybe you should have waited until girls night to show everyone your extra toe but, honestly, fuck that guy. Well don’t fuck that guy because he judged you for.. ya know what, never mind. Live your life and give yourself an extra cheat day. Nothing feels better than getting fat in bed.
Set the mood with a playlist. Slow songs, I hate love songs, I want love songs, anything by Celine Dion, and let them HAVE IT. I don’t care if it’s karaoke, in the shower, people in the super market, if you wanna stand outside your ex’s apt and sing the song he sang to you on NYE right after he promised to never sleep with your best friend but then “had like 15 Whiteclaws and blacked out.” No, there ARE laws when you Claw, Steven. There are laws.
Remember that you’re on your own WHOLE ASS journey. Don’t compare yourself to Morgan from high school. There’s a warrant for her arrest for tax evasion and her husband’s not the dad of any of her 5 kids. Some couples are happy and to them, I say Mazel Tov. But some couples just post bullshit online because if they can convince YOU that they’re happy, maybe they can convince themselves.
In closing–be your own damn Valentine! Buy yourself dinner. Dust off your naughty box next to your bed and then knock the dust off your cooter. Pour some hot wax on it, Sis, go nuts! Just DONT look at it in a hand mirror… You ever looked at your own butthole? No thank you. It’s kind of like Potbelly for me–a guilty pleasure restaurant I love to eat at but never really wanna peek into the kitchen.